I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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