Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Randomize
