Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
