Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
