You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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