Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
