Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
