I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
