guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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