____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Randomize
