The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
