do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
