Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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