I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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