So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
