The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
