oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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