twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
