The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
