obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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