It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
