Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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