The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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