I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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