I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
