What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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