Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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