so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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