before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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