i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
