We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
