LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
