Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
