I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I have peed in a lot of sinks
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
