and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
It's shark week go big or go home
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
