i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
