eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
