walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
