He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
