come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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