Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
It's blow job season.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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