I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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