Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
