Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
