did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
