woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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