I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
