that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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