Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
