Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
We left the knife in your bed.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
