meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
