so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
NoShamevember. You game?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
PANTIES FOUND
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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